that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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