Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
