I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
