apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
