Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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