I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
