apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
