We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
