best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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