But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
