Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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