If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
