Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
