my mouth tastes like poor choices
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
