oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
