You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
