Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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