so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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