end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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