shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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