Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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