I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
