My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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