I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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