he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I need moral support for this bender
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
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