I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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