i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
