I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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