The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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