thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
