It's Friday. Sex?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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