thus making me awesome and them whores
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
