Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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