I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize