Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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