Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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