ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
