I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wear drunk well.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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