I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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