I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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