i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize