girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
