I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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