you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
