I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
