Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wear drunk well.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
