I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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