Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
