they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
