I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
