Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
50% drunk capacity currently
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
