cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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