I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
