He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
