I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Im part way to drunk.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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