I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
