I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i've created a new STD.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
