i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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