Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
