Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
