i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
